so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!
here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:
disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.
sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.
so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—
here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:
- it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.
so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.
EXCEPT, OF COURSE:
- you have to pay for pay per view.
so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”
- AS A FAMILY.
and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.
"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"
as a reminder, a quick table survey:
- my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
- my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
- my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
- me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography
my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”
my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.
my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”
- WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?
"don’t expose my kid to that crap."
- MY KID
- TO THAT CRAP
"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."
- I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
- IN THE LIVING ROOM
but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?
- are you fucking kidding
- i did not want to go to porn prison
the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:
- my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
- my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
- my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences
but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?
- are you fucking kidding
- this is the best thing i’ve ever done
If Stuntmen from the old movies don’t have your full respect then I just don’t know what to say to you
l tried really hard not to reblog this
Yeah, it is indeed really hard not to reblog a fucking thing.
Can we all agree that the man in the first gif is the manliest man in the world?
Are we just going to all silently acknowledge that the last guy is clearly dead and that we just saw him die.
HOLD UP FOR A SECOND
ALL OF THESE GIFS ARE ONE MAN
THE SINGULAR BUSTER KEATON
WHILE FILMING THE GENERAL
HE SNAPPED HIS NECK ON THE RAILROAD TIES AND WENT HOME AND ICED HIS BODY
AND CAME BACK FOR WORK THE NEXT DAY
HE ONCE GOT HIS HIP RIPPED OUT OF ITS SOCKET BY A MALFUNCTIONING ELEVATOR AND WAS DISAPPOINTED WITH HIMSELF FOR BEING INJURED
HE ONCE HAD TO FALL 100 FEET DOWN A WATERFALL INTO A NET
A STUNTMAN TESTED IT AND BROKE BOTH LEGS AND DISLOCATED HIS SHOULDER
BUSTER DID THE STUNT ANYWAY AND LANDED WITHOUT A SCRATCH
IN ‘THE HIGH DIVE’
BUSTER DID A TRICK DIVE THROUGH A CARDBOARD DECK THAT WAS CAMOUFLAGED TO LOOK LIKE THE REAL DECK
ONLY HE COULDN’T TELL FROM 100 FEET UP WHERE THE CARDBOARD STOPPED AND THE REAL DECK STARTED AND THERE WAS ONLY LIKE A THREE FOOT MARGIN FOR ERROR
AND WHEN HE HESITATED A SUDDEN BREEZE LITERALLY KNOCKED HIM OFF THE DIVING BOARD AND HE HAD TO JUMP ANYWAY
AND HE MISSED THE REAL DECK BY LESS THAN A FOOT BUT HE MADE IT
IN THE SECOND GIF HE’S RECREATING SOMETHING THAT THE ACTUAL GENERAL PURSUERS HAD TO DO IN THE CIVIL WAR
IF HE MISSES THAT TIE
THE TRAIN WILL BE DERAILED AND HE WILL DIE IN THE EXPLOSION
IN THE THIRD GIF AN ENTIRE HOUSE IS FALLING HE HAS ONE TAKE AND IF HE HAS NOT DONE THE CALCULATIONS CORRECTLY HE WILL BE CRUSHED
HE HAS AN INCH-WIDE MARGIN ON EACH SIDE
AND THE HOUSE LITERALLY BRUSHES HIS LEFT SHOULDER ON THE WAY DOWN
YOU CAN SEE HIS LEFT ARM JUMP BECAUSE HE’S FLINCHING FROM THE PAIN
THAT LAST GIF
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE THAT JUMP
HE WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO FALL AND THEY HADNT PLANNED FOR IT
BUT HE SURVIVED
BUSTER KEATON SURVIVED 100% OF THINGS THAT WOULD HAVE KILLED LESSER MEN INCLUDING WWI, TORNADOS, HOUSEFIRES, ALCOHOLISM, BROKEN NETS, CRUSHING DEPRESSION, THE DEPRESSION ITSELF, THE MCCARTHY WITCHHUNTS, THE END OF SILENT CINEMA, AND ABOUT 900 MORE OF THE STUNTS YOU SEE ABOVE
BUSTER LIVED TO BE 70 YEARS OLD
FATHERED LIKE FOUR KIDS AND EIGHT GRANDKIDS
HE CAME OUT THE OTHER SIDE OF ALL THAT
THINKING THAT LIFE WAS GOOD AND PEOPLE WERE WONDERFUL
BUSTER KEATON IS NOT JUST A STUNTMAN
HE IS A GODDAMN SAINT
BUSTER KEATON’S PARENTS WERE PART OF A TRAVELING SHOW.
THEY WERE ACROBATS.
THEY TOOK BABY BUSTER UP HIGH IN THE AIR WITH THEM.
THEY DROPPED HIM.
LUCKILY SOMEONE WHO WAS STANDING UNDER THEM CAUGHT BABY BUSTER.
THAT MAN WAS HARRY HOUDINI.
HARRY HOUDINI SAVED BUSTER KEATON’S LIFE.
if you don’t think that’s the coolest shit you can get right out.
I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE BUSTER KEATON LOVE ON MY DASH YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA
WHERE IS THE BUSTER KEATON FANDOM SHOW ME THE WAY
Koko the gorilla is a resident at the Gorilla Foundation in Woodside, CA and communicates understands spoken english and uses over 1,000 signs to share her feelings and thoughts on daily life. After the first call about Robin’s passing, Koko came to Dr. Patterson with an inquiring look on her face. Dr. Patterson explained that ‘we have lost a dear friend, Robin Williams. Koko was quiet and looked very thoughtful, Koko signed the words for “woman” and “crying.” Koko became very somber, with her head bowed and her lip quivering; she was crying over the loss of her friend.
"Robin made Koko smile — something she hadn’t done for over six months, ever since her childhood gorilla companion, Michael, passed away. Not only did Robin cheer up Koko, the effect was mutual, and Robin seemed transformed — from a high-energy entertainer, into a mellow, sensitive, empathetic guy, who also happened to be really funny." -Dr. Patterson